Relationship Questions You Need to Talk About

By Esther | September 24th 2020 | Family and Relationships

How do you handle a codependent relationship?

How do family relationships influence us?

Our family is the biggest and most important relationship that we have, next to God. So, naturally, a lot of our decisions are based on how it affects, or whether it is approved by, our family. But as with other relationships, we also need to examine whether the relationship we have with our family is healthy or not and recognize what we should do about it.

When it comes to family, the most sensible thing to do is to love your family the best way that you can. Understand that everyone in the family is all growing and learning along the way. But at the end of the day, it all boils down to how important your family is to you that you make sure to always come back and say “sorry” and try to see eye to eye.

You don’t get to pick your family and you also cannot replace them. They are your blood, so you always need to work out your relationship with them in the healthiest way possible.

No matter which family member you are dealing with, learn to be honest with them. It doesn’t matter if you have problems with a certain family member or that family member is the closest to you, when the situation calls for it, be honest, be truthful, and be fair.

It is okay to let your family off the hook sometimes and forgive what needs to be forgiven and move on. Don’t hold them hostage repeatedly with the things that they have done. You are only hurting yourself and you will never find peace that way.

But you also need to set some healthy boundaries with your family when you need to. Let’s face it, some family relationships can be toxic. You need to set healthy boundaries for your own well-being so that you can function and be healthy in life. You can still love your family and show that love in other ways and even when there is a healthy boundary set up.

Sometimes we outgrow our relationships as well, even the ones with our family, especially when the other person doesn’t grow with us which means we no longer fit in the relationship. But this doesn’t mean that the love or care is no longer there. It’s just that things have shifted, you have pivoted, and you’ve grown apart, but you should not be holding that against each other.

It is your decision whether you stay, or you grow. Remember, every move that you make requires a decision. Everybody is always at choice.

How do you navigate through decisions that force unwanted outcomes for one party yet brings comfort to the other?

Why do mixed feelings happen in a relationship? Does this mean that the other person isn’t being truthful?

We often get mixed feelings in a relationship because we are afraid to lose the other person or to be seen a certain way. This is the reason why it is difficult to say no to the people in our relationships because we worry that the relationship gets affected and changes.

Have an honest conversation with the person that you are in a relationship with and create a safe space. Take the initiative and get ready because you will probably hear some things that you don’t want to hear but are necessary.

There is a book called The Five Dysfunctions of a Team by Patrick Lencioni and in his book, the author described something he called a healthy and productive conflict. Lencioni took the sting out of the word conflict and encouraged a discussion or meeting of the minds. He emphasized that people should talk about what is bothering them and work through it to where it is productive.

Conflict will happen. Because the discussion will involve two unique people with different ideologies and perspectives, it is inevitable that there will be a clash in perceptions that can lead to conflict. But even as that happens, you will need to hash it out in the most respectful way and move forward to go forward together.

Conflict will involve some effort and some tears. But in the struggle is built a closer bond where you become comfortable with the discomfort and the honesty because then you know that you will be able to resolve it the next time it happens.

Sometimes, we need to have hard conversations, otherwise, you can’t move to the next level or the next place that you want your relationship to go. This leads to growth in your relationship. Tension sometimes has to happen so you can grow and get strong together.

There are times when a lot of people struggle with this because there are some personalities that tend to be very confrontational. This doesn’t mean though that we leave it out and alone and not talk about it. There still needs to be a discussion. The conflict is necessary, but we can address it in a different way such as having a carefrontation.

Carefrontation is a confrontation that puts “care” first in the conversation. It is a confrontation or a discussion that is done in a caring and loving manner. It basically starts with appreciation (‘what I appreciate or love about you’), followed by the “issue” (‘but what I need or how I feel about this is’), and ends with honor (‘I honor your’).

Carefrontation allows you to leave the person with their dignity and honor while being honest about your needs and your feelings. It removes the negativity, brings down the defenses, and leads to a more open and honest conversation.

Final Word

So many people are struggling in their relationships. One of the reasons that that happens is because of the situations that we put ourselves in and refuse to address because it is either uncomfortable or we become afraid of what may happen when we do.

It is so important for us to build healthy relationships and ensure that every relationship we have is healthy. Before you can build a healthy relationship with another, you need to have a healthy relationship with yourself. And when you have built a relationship with another person, you need to have a clear and honest conversation with them about your expectations, your emotions, and your feelings.

Every relationship that you have will be different because you are having them with different people who have different personalities and perspectives. You need to learn to handle each one with grace and ease so that you can build them up and grow together.

Your relationships should reflect and foster your purpose and what you are called to do. They should be holding you up to fulfill your purpose and not hinder you from living it.

Homework: Determine your top three negotiables and commit to keeping them.

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