We have defining moments in our lives that lead us to get unstuck and help us make a decision and change things so we can move forward.

In our relationships, we have levels that we rate our relationships as. But, we also have moments that give us instances where we experience an almost perfect time. It does not define the entire relationship, but it creates a huge impact on us. These are what we call moments of 10.

Searching and discovering are two different things. Searching means looking for or trying to find something. Discovering means finding something in the course of a search. When you discover your purpose, you find out who you are and who you were created to be.

Thinking about searching versus discovering, we often find moments of 10 where we have moments of soul searching, and then we have moments of 10 where we discover who we are, what we want to be, what we stand for, and what we believe in.

Sometimes things happen in our lives that we least expect it. And these moments, though painful and difficult to go through, become our defining moments, those moments that help you discover who you are, what you want to be, and who you were created to be.

In our search to find ourselves, we often discover that who we are is very different from who we were years ago. Even as our title remains the same, the person that we were changes and evolves and becomes better fit to wear that title as we learn more and more about what God has intended for us.

As we go on the journey to discover our purpose, we are given the experience of continuing to discover who we are, to understand what our purpose was at a certain time, and how different our purpose becomes as God allows us to journey through many seasons of our lives.

What happens many times is, as we are going through the journey in life, we sometimes don’t realize how life can change and pivot for us. Everything that we’re going through in our lives, whether it be grief from the loss of a loved one or painful transitions from broken relationships or loss of a job, it really is taking us towards our destiny.

Sometimes we look at these moments as not defining moments. We don’t look at them as something important that defines or changes the direction of our lives. Mainly because these are “grieving” moments that we feel we just go through and need to go through.

But it is essential to understand that there is no timeline with the grieving process. Nobody can tell you how to grieve when to grieve, and how long it should take for you to grieve. However, going through all of these “grieving” moments give you the courage for which you can stand and see who you truly were made to be. And more than ever, there comes a moment where you have to go out and do exactly what you were created to do.

One important aspect of this process is setting your non-negotiables in your relationships, beginning with yourself, and then setting them with those around you. Setting these lets you understand whether you are living a life by design or living a life by default.

Setting your non-negotiables as you go through some things in life speaks about your commitments. What is it that you’re committed to? Are you committed to your healing? Are you committed to living your life by design or by default? You may have default moments but committing to living your life by design lets you understand what your purpose is and how to become unstuck.

One thing that most of us often find difficult to do is being intentional. A lot of us are go-with-the-wind kind of people, the kind that doesn’t want to make any waves, the kind that just goes with the flow.

In my book, Why? Stepping into Purpose, there is a part there where it says:

People often see the word self-care and look at it discriminatingly and in disgust because people think that self-care equates to selfishness. But what people don’t understand or often fail to realize is that if our cup isn’t full you can’t pour into everybody else. When you pour out of an empty cup, you become bone-dry-tired of everything that you do.

We all basically try to live our lives in the service of others because we were taught to be selfless, and to us being selfless means putting others’ needs first before our own and making sure that everybody is taken care of without ever intending to take care of ourselves. We become attached to our attachments and we live our life for the people in our lives.

It becomes natural for us, especially for women and mothers to live and work and breathe and achieve things for our families, for our kids, for our husbands. But everything we have is a choice. You need to also choose YOU. You can’t show up for everyone else if you can’t even show up for yourself.

When you live by design you fight through your default systems and your limiting beliefs because it’s the way that you’re supposed to go, even if you don’t think you’re supposed to go that way. As you go along being intentional and fighting to live by design, you slowly break out of default.

Our default is often the labels that people put on us. Because it is what people expect us to be or what we think they want to see in us. We try to live our lives according to the label put on us and in the process we lose our identity.

But we must remember that before we were anything else before we were labeled as someone who people think we should be, we were first US. You were first YOU, and I was first ME. I was Esther before I was a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, and even a friend.

The whole healing process begins when we understand that. As we’re going through the different stages of life in our journey, we fail to realize that there are so many things that we need healing from and so many times when we’re in default or in design. But this is something that we continually need to work on. It is not a one and done thing.

We need to keep and continue working on and for ourselves. It is ok to think about ourselves. It is ok to think about our own happiness. Because unless you take care of yourself, how in the world can you serve others better? Self-care is not being selfish.

You need to continue looking into yourself and examining your life because your life’s journey involves a whole discovery of coming into who you are and walking out your day in purpose and realizing that it’s not one and done.

As Lisa Nichols said, “energy grows where energy goes.” The process is a matter of perspective and introspection. Look at where you are putting your energy. Are you putting your energy in negativity or in positivity? You should be putting your energy in things that are promoting you and feeding your soul. The healing and happiness in your life will help you to walk in purpose. 

We all have greatness inside of us, however, many times we either don’t know how to access that greatness or we stumble upon obstacles, the things that we don’t even realize are blocking us from walking and living our life in purpose and by design.

It has always been God’s intent, from the day we were born, for us to live a holistic life. From the day we were created, we were created with greatness in us and God created us perfect. It is only our circumstances, our environment, our experiences, and the decisions that we have made and decisions that others have made for us that facilitate the changes in us.

But sometimes what we don’t realize is that some of our actions are reactions. Many of what we’ve learned, we learned from our childhood. A lot of the things that children are learning are being carried out into the rest of their lives.

Our parents may not have intentionally wanted us to get stuck in the programming of our inner child, but be that as it may, we carry whatever pain or guilt or response that we have learned as a child over into our adulthood.

Living in that manner kills you on the inside because you try to live your life according to what others want you to live it, and respond to situations according to how others think you should respond. You lose touch with who you really are and just fall into the role of who you are labeled as.

You think your whole life is about serving and giving love to the people around you, but you sometimes forget to love yourself. It is at this moment that you need to reprogram and go back to the basics, take baby steps, and get back to understanding and discovering your why.

You can begin by being transparent and looking at yourself in the mirror, and sometimes that’s the hardest thing to do. It is hard to face yourself and see the good, the bad, and the ugly. But the reality is the good, the bad, and the ugly just all come together for your absolute good.

Whatever happens in our life happens for a reason and is meant for us to grow and mature. Everything in our life has a purpose and is intended for us to step into our purpose. As I wrote in my book, Why? Stepping into Purpose, the journey through life has to sometimes go up and down in order for us to understand and walk in our purpose:

We go through different seasons in life but the thing that we need to understand is that as we go through whatever we are going through, we have to do the work. Wherever you are in your life, if you’re feeling stuck, you’re feeling lonely, you still have some hurt and some pain, then you need to get the right connection. There is healing and happiness for you and you can come out on the other side, but you need to put in the work.

Happiness is an emotional, mental state. As the scripture says,

If we’re not really living a purposeful life, we are not experiencing happiness, and there is always a reason for why we are living and feeling like that. We need to discover that reason because it will always keep affecting our mental, emotional, and physiological health, and it will keep affecting our relationships if we don’t.

It becomes easier for us to deal with our hurts, our guilt, and our pain when we understand how these moments mold us into the person that we were created to be. Our defining moments are always the ones we never see coming and never thought could be the ones because we are so burrowed in our grief. But our defining moments happen when we least expect it, strung together by passing time, and defines us by how we choose to live it and what we choose to take out of it.

It is important that we identify what brings us happiness, the kind that fills our heart and makes our soul smile, and then learn how this happiness can help us heal. When we determine that, we are able to discover and walk in the purpose that God intended for us.